


Playground of Willows

by ThetenthtenbeingofTen



Series: Luca and Mari [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Brotherly Love, Implied Unspecified Eating Disorder, M/M, Repression, School Psychologist - Freeform, Shounen-ai, Twins, bad language, boyslove
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-04-22 23:49:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14319768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThetenthtenbeingofTen/pseuds/ThetenthtenbeingofTen
Summary: Markus hasn't been okay lately.He really hasn't.It was starting to show...His twin worries and insists he should go to the school's psychologist and figure it out.The thing is, Markus knows exactly what's wrong with him. There is no way though, that he could ever tell anyone about it... ever... ever...ever...forgive him





	1. I love yous

**Author's Note:**

> This is - hopefully - the first chapter of a few, all recounting the talk-therapy-sessions Markus went to.
> 
> That being said... DISCLAIMER: I'm not a psychologist. No where near.  
> I'm just a person with a deep interest in psychology (and my own set of issues, but nvm), so please don't take my therapy/analysis/commentary as a fact/hard truth.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you'll enjoy this little exploration.

  
  


“I haven’t eaten…” he started nervously, gripping the hem of his loose sweater. “I wasn’t able to”, he added when the woman in front of him didn’t seem to understand.  
“Is somebody keeping you from it?”, she asked, tilting her head.  
He shook his head and shrunk into the armchair as much as possible.  
“Didn’t… feel like… I could”, he mumbled.  
The woman leaned back, pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear.  
“I see”, she said and looked at him.

A teenager, thin and pale. He could probably count the hours he’d spent asleep last night on one hand.  
He chewed his lips compulsively, evident from the dark, dry traces of blood that were visible in the corners of his mouth; not to mention that he was doing it right now.  
Otherwise he was pretty unremarkable.

“This is your first year at this school, correct?”, she asked when he remained silent.  
“Yes”, he said, still not leaving his lips alone.  
“Do you get along with your fellow classmates?”

Mari looked at the psychologist.  
Mrs Crowe gave him a kind smile.  
“I don’t know”, he said and pressed his lips together, like he was holding something back.  
“Do you have friends in your class?”  
“Yeah”, Mari said.

“Do you spend much time with them?”, Mrs Crowe asked, pushing the same strand as before behind her ear when it fell forward again.  
“I guess. I have… my brother. And a guy, and a girl”, Mari replied, avoiding her eyes.  
She leaned forward a little, studying his expression carefully.

He remained silent. He was tugging at his sweater, like he wanted to tear it in half. He was obviously struggling with something, that he couldn’t put into words yet, but she hoped to get him there eventually.

“Do you get along with your brother?”, she asked.  
Mari turned his head to the side, but threw a brief glance at her, before staring at the armrest at his side.  
“Yes”, he said.

Mrs Crowe noted his hesitance, and how he avoided her eyes.  
This was a lie, he didn’t get along with this brother, but he didn’t feel like he could admit that. Maybe he did get along on the outside, but held a form of resentment towards him in secret?  
She’d have to find out.

“Was your brother around when you had dinner?”, she asked.  
Mari looked up.  
“Yes”, he said easily.  
“Did he do or say anything to upset you?”  
Mari faltered.  
“No. He did nothing wrong”, he muttered and sighed deeply. “He is wonderful”, he added under his breath.  
“Pardon?”  
Mari looked up at her.  
“He is wonderful”, he repeated.  
“Is he?”, Mrs Crowe asked.

“Yes”, Mari said, smiling sadly, “he is kind and caring.”  
“How so?”

Mari shrugged.  
Luca was kind and caring in every way he could think of.

“Okay”, Mrs Crowe sighed. So there was something between them that caused Markus some amount of anxiety.  
“Is he older or younger than you?”, she asked.  
“Older twin”, Mari said without looking up.  
“A twin? Identical?”, Mrs Crowe raised her eyebrows questioningly. She had heard about a pair of twins from the other staff. About them, causing some amount of trouble.  
“Yes”, Mari said.  
“I see”, she murmured and noted this discovery in his file. “How do you feel about him?”, she asked when she looked up from her paper.

Mari seemed to be confused. He had already told her that he was a wonderful person. What else did she want to hear?

“I can imagine you get compared a lot”, she suggested.  
“Sure”, Mari said with a halfhearted shrug.  
“Do your parents treat you two differently from each other?”  
“Not really”, Mari murmured. “Our Aunt takes care of us most of the time, and she can’t tell us apart half the time”  
“Does that annoy you?”, Mrs Crowe wondered.  
“No. It amuses us, if anything”, Mari rectified.

“Did he notice your lack of appetite?”, she asked after taking notes again. Mari immediately crumbled.  
So that was a definite hit.

“Yes”, he choked. He felt sick again.

“How did he react?”, Mrs Crowe asked after a few seconds.  
Mari shot her a glare.  
“He fussed”, he spat.  
“How so?”, she asked, ignoring her mild ire. She knew he was only behaving defensively, because she’d struck a nerve. It didn’t undo the venomous glare though.  
“Asked if I was sick, if I wasn’t feeling well, if he should do this, do that…” he sighed exhaustedly. He hadn’t needed Luca’s kindness to remind him of his guilt. He had felt bad enough as it was.  
“Are you ill?”, Mrs Crowe asked.  
Mari shrugged.

“What did you do in response?”  
Mari bit his lip.  
“I left”, he mumbled.  
“Where to?” Mrs Crowe leaned forward, more concerned now. It usually didn’t bode well when teenagers felt so unsafe at home that they ran away. Although, often it was just an impulsive reaction to escape a situation they couldn’t deal with.  
Mari didn’t reply.

He had gone to Robin’s place. Walked up a hill for about an hour just to reach his house.

“Did you go to somebody’s place? Or did you walk around outside somewhere?”, Mrs Crowe asked when Markus remained silent for another minute.  
“Somebody’s place”, he murmured.  
“Who’s place?”

He looked at her.

“My boyfriend’s.”

A moment passed, unnoticed.

“I see”, Mrs Crowe said and smiled.  
This could give more insight into his worries. Teenagers who only now discovered their sexuality were obviously insecure. And homosexuals often faced discrimination if they came out.  
And those who didn’t, had to struggle with the internal conflict of hiding their identity and the fear of being revealed.

In the case of Markus, there probably was the fear that his brother might not take it well if he came out to him, since he obviously cared about him. So the conflict she had sensed likely wasn’t rooted in a form of discord between them, but rather in Markus’ fear of being discovered.

“Does your family know?”, she asked and leaned back to give him some space.  
She didn’t think it was worth much concern if a boy his age had a boyfriend. Most couples break up within a few months, and often, teenagers went through phases like that.  
It by no means meant that his own turmoil was baseless, but she hoped it would give him some hope, should her assumptions be correct.

“Luca knows”, Mari whispered.

And there went her theory.  
“Then I don’t understand your worries”, she said, raising her hands in defeat.  
Judging from his previous statements his brother didn’t discriminate against him for his sexual orientation. None of the other people he mentioned seem to be so important to him that he’d worry about their opinion enough to loose his appetite.

It had to be something about his brother.

“I know”, Mari choked through a sob. He hid his face in both hands and held back his tears with all he had. “I know… I can’t… I can’t say it”, he admitted weakly.

Mrs Crowe was about to say something when he raised his head and looked at her.

“He told me to come here because he worried”, Mari whispered, “because he saw that I hadn’t eaten anything normal… in days… and I couldn’t say no, even though there was no way I could tell anyone… the truth”

“Who?”, Mrs Crowe asked.  
“Luca”  
“Your brother”  
“Yes”

Mari wiped his eyes with the inside of his sleeve until she offered him a tissue. He took it with a monotonous ‘thanks’ and dabbed at his tears.  
He didn’t look well.

“Markus”, Mrs Crowe started with a glance at the clock on the wall behind him, “I’m afraid we’ll have to end it here.”  
He nodded once.

She rose from the armchair and sat behind her desk, setting down his file.  
“Will I see you again next week?”, she asked.  
“I guess”, he murmured into the tissue.

“You don’t have to, if you don’t want to”, she told him, turning her chair around to look at him.  
“I know. But Luca worries”, he replied.  
“I see”, she sighed and pulled out a piece of paper.  
“Same day, same time?”, she asked.  
“Uh… I think I’d rather… have it a bit earlier?”, he asked.  
“Yes? How about 9am then?”, she suggested, checking her schedule. He nodded.  
“Yeah”, he said and forced a smile.  
“Good, 9am it is, then”, she said and wrote down the time and date of their next appointment, holding out the paper for him to take.  
He reached out and took it.  
“Will you be fine if I send you back now? If you want, I’ll write a note for you, so you can take a moment to calm down”, she offered.

Mari shook his head.  
“Going home now”, he said.  
She tensed up.  
“Can I trust you to get back safely?”, she asked, looking at him.

The boy looked like he was ready to pass out.

“Luca is waiting”, he assured and shoved the note into his pocket. “Thank you. Have a good day”, he murmured as he left.  
She bid him goodbye and watched him as he stepped through the door.

 

Luca had waited in the hallway, sitting on the ground next to the door to Mrs Crowe’s office. When it opened, he looked up and smiled up at his twin.

Mari smiled weakly and offered his hand to pull Luca to his feet.  
Luca took it, but barely put any weight on it, pushing himself up against the wall with his other hand.  
When he stood, he didn’t release Mari’s hand.  
“What’d she say?”, he asked.  
“I’ll live”, Mari sighed and pulled away his hand to bend down, picking up his and Luca’s bags.  
“Give me that”, Luca said, taking both bags from Mari.  
“Stop fussing”, Mari hissed, refusing to let Luca take his bag from him.  
“Sorry”, Luca murmured, turning away to hide the hurt in his eyes.  
Mari pressed the back of his hand to his mouth before the sob could tear itself from his throat. A lonely tear fell from his eye and rolled down his pale cheek.

Luca went ahead.  
Mari would follow, he knew that. They would simply go home together, as they always did, no questions asked.

No answers given.

He turned back when he didn’t sense his twin’s presence behind himself.

Shit, he thought.

 

Mari hadn’t moved an inch, left fist pressed to his mouth, while the other clutched the belt of his bag.

Luca walked back and grabbed Mari’s bag, throwing it over his own shoulder and pulled his twin into his arms.  
“Talk to me”, he begged, pressing Mari’s body against himself like he’d lose him otherwise.  
Mari sobbed and shook his head.  
“Lets just… go home. I want to sleep”, Mari breathed. He couldn’t even try to take back his bag from Luca.

 

Luca kept his arm around Mari’s waist at all times, while Mari held onto his stomach with one arm and wiped his face every now and then with his other hand.  
They reached their apartment building, passing by the playground where they’d played as children in a past that felt further away than it was… 

When they came home, no words were spoken between them.  
Mari walked to his room and collapsed onto his mattress.

Luca hesitated for a while, but then followed, laying next to his brother.

The same childhood that seemed so far away a moment ago, was now within his reach again, as he nuzzled into Mari’s hair and put his arm around him.  
“I love you”, he murmured and closed his eyes.

“I love you too, Luca”


	2. Mirror me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, finally chapter 2 is here!
> 
> ... Nobody cares, I know... 
> 
> I'm still not a psychologist...

One week later, Mrs Crowe sat in her office, waiting for her next patient.  
She had ten minutes between each appointment and used the free time to take a sip of her tea; to review the next file; to prepare herself.

Markus was next on her schedule.  
She looked at his file.  
 _Anorexia?  
Lives with twin ← strongly focused on him  
Homosexual – ~~fear of discovery?~~  
Doesn’t feel comfortable sharing his feelings  
Relationship with twin_

She sighed.  
Initially she’d thought he was one of the kids who wanted to be thin, and went about it in an unsafe way. Then she thought, he might be suffering from anorexia because he didn’t fit in with the rest.  
Such perceived lack of control can lead a person to seek means to control something, which in the case of anorexia is their weight.  
The need to lower the number on the scale turns into an obsession.

But the teen didn’t seem to lack control. He said he had friends, he had a brother to rely on. Someone he deeply cares about.  
On top of that, he had a boyfriend with whom he felt safe enough, that he’d seek his company in a moment of need.

There was something he felt he had to repress, to hide. Something that caused him anxiety.   
Hopefully she’d get him to tell her.

There was a knock on her door.  
“Come in”, she called and took another sip of her tea before picking up Markus’ file and walking over to greet him.  
He entered the room and when she offered her hand to him, he took it. She smiled and nodded once, before releasing his hand and inviting him to sit on the same armchair as last time.

He took off his jacket and placed it over the armrest.

“Welcome back. How have you been this week?”, she asked, folding her hands in her lap.  
“Fine”, he said quickly, before even looking at her. “I mean…”, he murmured and lowered his head again.  
He had gotten used to saying he was fine without thinking. Right now though, he felt wrong saying that he was fine.  
He wasn’t.

“Why don’t you tell me what happened this week? Anything you want to share?”, Mrs Crowe suggested.  
Mari wasn’t sure.  
“I… I spent the weekend… at my boyfriend’s place”, he said, not daring to speak Robin’s name.

“I see”, Mrs Crowe said, smiling faintly. She didn’t want to discourage him, but the way he said it, suggested he didn’t feel entirely well about it.  
Hopefully nothing bad had happened between him and his boyfriend…  
“How was it?”, she asked neutrally.  
Mari looked at her.  
“It… was nice”, he said and smiled weakly. “I mean… His family is very kind, and we just… killed some time”, he added after a moment.  
“I see, that’s good”, Mrs Crowe said encouragingly. He seemed to be more talkative today than he’d been last week.

“I guess”, he said and looked down at his knees.  
Being away from Luca made him feel less guilty… only to add a different kind of sorrow to his troubled emotions.  
He missed him, wasn’t used to being away from him.  
He felt like he was betraying both Luca and Robin, whenever he thought of the other in their presence.

“Has your appetite returned?”, Mrs Crowe asked hopefully.  
“No”

“I see”, she sighed. “What do you feel when you try to eat?”

Mari turned his head to the side and started playing with a loose thread on his jacket.  
“Like…” he started and searched his mind for a word to describe his feelings without stating them. He couldn’t tell her.  
She’d never understand.

“Like… I don’t…” he glanced at her before looking at the thread again, “deserve”, he finally breathed and looked at his lap, “to eat.”

Mrs Crowe nodded.  
So he felt guilty for something. Maybe he had been punished with food in the past; being sent to bed without dinner after misbehaving.  
“Do you know why you feel this way?”, she asked.

Mari’s cheeks grew warm, and his heart fluttered. He rubbed his hands on his knees.  
“Yes”, he admitted and bit his lip.  
“Tell me about it”, the psychologist requested. 

“I… told you. Luca is wonderful”, Mari started. Mrs Crowe nodded once. “He… when he noticed that I didn’t eat… properly, he started making food for me. He made me help in the kitchen, and tried to get me to eat… and it made me so happy, to see him worry so much”, Mari whispered, “about me.”  
His words were barely audible.

“You have a good relationship with your brother, is that correct?”, Mrs Crowe interjected.  
Mari nodded.  
“Always been together. Always good”, he assured.  
“But you feel guilty when he’s being kind to you, is that correct?” the psychologist guessed.  
Mari nodded but then shook his head.  
“Not _when_ he’s kind to me. More like _because_ he is”, he clarified.  
Mrs Crowe sat back in her armchair and thought for a moment.

“Did you do something to not deserve – as you put it – his kindness?” she wondered then and looked him in the eyes.  
Those warm brown eyes immediately lost their warmth and he turned them away defensively.

“I didn’t do shit”, he hisses and bites his lip to restrain himself before adding tensely: “It’s not like I _tried_ to be fucked up in the head.”

Mrs Crowe took note of his outburst, deciding to probe a bit in hopes of discovering another clue as to what caused him so much turmoil.  
“Okay, you aren’t this way because you want to be this way, that’s not surprising. Have you tried to change yourself instead?”

“Would I be here if I fucking _could_ just stop being like this?! Could I stop being a guy? Stop being Lucas’ twin if I just tried hard enough? Huh?!”

Mrs Crowe immediately raised her hands to placate him.  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you this much”, she soothed, “It’s just that many patients feel trapped in their situation, because they never considered the chance to escape. It just never occurred to them”, she added when he shot her a glare.  
She deserved it probably… 

He slumped back down into the armchair and ran both hands through his face.  
“No… I’m… just… I can’t change it. I don’t think I can”, he sighed and closed his eyes, “I’d have to cut a part of me off and throw it away forever… that’s what it’d feel like…”

Mrs Crowe smiled sympathetically.  
This boy is an overflowing well of emotions.  
But he did give away some information that the psychologist thought could be useful. She added another note to his file.  
 _Identity – Gender/Sibling_

“You said you couldn’t stop being male, or your brother’s brother just by trying hard. What do you mean by that?” she wondered.

He finally took his hands away from his face and looked at her again.  
“Exactly that. It’s an example. Don’t read into it”, he muttered defensively.

This clearly wasn’t ‘just an example’, Mrs Crowe noted. She knew better than to pry at it more than this, understanding that he’d shut himself off even more if she did.  
So instead she glanced at his posture, trying to gage his tension now.

His hands which had previously covered his face now rest limply between his thighs.  
His shoulders are slumped, his face tilted downwards, his gaze floating aimlessly around his swaying feet.

He was eleven.   
Still a child on the inside.

How did he end up with a boyfriend?

“Why don’t you tell me about your boyfriend?” Mrs Crowe suggested gently, following his urging to let go the previous topic.

Markus’ face softens and his eyes grow warm, focusing on something in the distance.  
“He’s older than me. 8th grade”, he started with a sigh, “taller and bigger than me.”

Mrs Crowe nodded.  
She noticed how he described his boyfriend by comparing him to himself.

It made sense.  
Markus was likely used to being his companion’s exact equal. His twin. So when it came to describing anyone who wasn’t, his thoughts struggled to detach themselves from his usual expectations.

But there also was something in the tone of his voice that made her think about his description. He clearly depicted his boyfriend as someone superior. _Older, taller, bigger_ he had said.

“Your first boyfriend, I assume?”, Mrs Crowe wondered, trying to encourage Markus to open up more.

The boy nodded.  
“Yeah”, he added before running a hand through his face and sighing heavily. He grimaced tensely, almost like he was trying to conceal pain or discomfort.

Mari’s mind was screaming, never forming words though.

It was an unbroken cry, vibrating through his chest and threatening to burst from his mouth, but he held it back.

Every word he spoke about Robin felt like a betrayal of his love for Luca. Every time he praised Robin, he felt like he was devaluing Luca, but then again… he obviously wasn’t.

They shouldn’t be rivals in his mind; in his heart.  
But they were.

“Do you think of him as better than yourself?”, Mrs Crowe asked, interrupting Markus’ thoughts. He pursed his lips and looked at her.

Yes, he wanted to say. So much better.

He stopped himself.

If he said yes, she’d ask why, and it’d give him another chance to tell her the truth, which he so desperately needed to keep hidden.

So instead he smiles and shook his head. “I know better than to compare or measure people against each other.”

Mrs Crowe gave him a look that clearly portrayed her distrust towards his words. She had seen him hold back the real answer when shut his mouth, when he looked at her with despair, anger and fear at the same time.

Still she understood that she had to guide him towards the truth, rather than pushing him to reveal it against his will.

The direct approach worked on some people, but not on him. His defensive walls were already too high and too strong; he was too aware of them, and he reinforced them consciously.

“Let’s end it here then. I’ll see you next week, won’t I?”, she offered and rose from her seat.

Markus slumped and closed his eyes.  
“Yeah… Friday if that’s okay? Early if possible”, he muttered before rising to his feet and running his hands through his hair.

Mrs Crowe checked her schedule and nodded.  
“Yes, that would work. First period?”, she offered and he nodded, holding out his hand to receive the note from her. He glanced at the date and time before shoving it into his pocket.  
“I need the thing for the teacher too”, he murmured and picked up his jacket, using it to hide his hands.

“Of course”, Mrs Crowe assured and quickly wrote the attestation for him, proving that he hadn’t skipped class, but indeed attended an appointment in her office.

She held out the signed paper for him to take and smiled when he did.  
“I added ten minutes. Go outside and get some fresh air, or drink some water in the cafeteria”, she recommended lastly.

“Thank you”, Markus murmured and lowered his head. Despite that his voice had sounded so genuine, it warmed the psychologist’s heart a little.

“You’re welcome. Have a good week”, she said just as he opened the door. He nodded once before slipping out of the room and pulling the door shut.

Markus ignored her recommendations and ran straight back upstairs to find his classroom.

He only slowed down when his hand touched the cold metal door handle. It sent an almost painful chill through him, waking him from his restless thoughts.

The screaming faded away at last, and when he opened the door and his eyes found those of his brother, he finally found himself relaxing.  
He walks to the teacher’s desk and hands her the attestation from Mrs Crowe before taking his seat next to Luca.

“You good?”, the older twin asked softly, eyes scanning Mari’s face for signs of distress.  
“Yeah. Hungry though”, Mari replied.

Luca’s gaze softened, and he smiled lovingly.

“40 minutes”, he murmured. His words sounded like a promise.

Mari nodded.

 

The teacher had already filed away Markus’ note and went back to teaching. He threw a glare at the two brothers, who were talking to each other instead of paying attention to the lesson. As if it wasn’t bad enough that one of them had missed it… 

But then again, the teacher thought, if the kid was seeing Mrs Crowe, he didn’t have the capacity to focus on the French Revolution right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed this chapter... 
> 
> If you did, please let me know by leaving a comment, or giving me kudos, it'd make me super happy!


	3. The ice in you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a long time a new chapter...

Next Friday morning there was a knock on Mrs Crowe’s office door. She rose from her chair, picking up the folder as she walked over to the armchair.  
“Come in!” she called.

The door opened and two boys came in. Markus and his twin.

It was the first time the psychologist saw them together. She smiled.

“Good morning,” one of them said to Mrs Crowe. “Good morning,” she replied, “Both of you here today?” she wondered, not sure why both were here when only one of them had the appointment.

The one who had spoken nodded, while he lifted his brother’s bag over his shoulder, adding it to his own.  
They were absolutely identical. Same clothes, same faces, same voice.  
“Yeah, I was gonna ask if you could give me the note for the teacher to take along already?” he explained, “Cuz we’re in the same class,” he added when she frowned.

“I can’t, I’m afraid,” she said made a dismissive gesture with her hands.

“Oh, I see,” the teen said calmly, then pulled his brother into a hug. “I’ll go then and wait for you,” he said to him and rubbed his back.  
“You better hurry too,” Markus said and pushed his twin towards the door. The older twin smiled and pecked his cheek before leaving the room and rushing upstairs to the classroom.

Markus shut the door and sat in the armchair as usual.

Mrs Crowe reached out to shake his hand. His hand was very cold, and his hair was a bit damp. She threw a glance outside the window. It wasn’t raining.

He huffed, not taking off his jacket.  
“We have a long-ish commute. Had to run to catch the bus too,” he murmured and shoved his hands between his thighs to warm them up a bit.

“Ah,” she said and leaned back, picking up the folder from her lap, throwing a quick glance at the notes she had taken previously.  
She then looked at him and smiled.  
“What’s it like? Your commute together?” she wondered and crossed her legs casually.

Markus laughed softly.

It was a quiet, subdued laughter, and he kept avoiding her eyes, glancing up at the ceiling a few times, shaking his head and looking at his knees.

“It’s fun, most of the time,” he said then, smile audible in his voice. “We’re like, here, okay?” he explains and points to the armrest on his left, “And we go by bike about this far, then cross the river by ferry,” he continues, using his hands to show the distances.

“By ferry?” Mrs Crowe echoes and raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah. It’s much cheaper than going by train,” Markus explains and lowers his head again. “So, we cross the river and then we go up a bit to the bus. Half an hour on the bus and we’re here,” he continues, illustrating his words with his hands.  
Mrs Crowe nods, “And what part of it is fun?” she wonders.

Markus holds up his index finger with wide eyes and a grin on his lips.

“Trick question! All parts have the potential to be fun, but they’re not always,” he says and crosses his arms, leaning back.  
“Like, if it’s rainy, the bike-ride is awful! Or if there’s a lot of ships crossing the river while we wait for the ferry. Or if the bus is late, and we just barely make it to school on time,” he says, counting his fingers.

His grin widens and becomes almost hysterical.

“All three happened today!” he says with pained euphoria.

Mrs Crowe gave a pitying laugh, as he slapped his knee and huffed.

His demeanor was so strikingly different from how she’d gotten to know him. The pained restraint was nowhere to be found. He was theatrical, putting on a show of sorts to tell his story, gesturing wildly, his face open and his eyes gleaming with mirth.

“At least you’re not alone when things to wrong like that, right?”

Markus’ smile faded a bit, but didn’t disappear. He nodded.  
“Yeah. It doesn’t feel like an hour-long commute when we’re together,” he agreed. He leaned back, chin lifting up as his head rolled back a bit and he closed his eyes.

“How are you feeling today?” Mrs Crowe asked.

Markus didn’t move for a while, then lowered his head again, looking straight at her, “Fine. Cold and tired though,” he replied and ran a hand through his hair, pushing the damp strands back from his forehead.

“And your appetite?” Mrs Crowe continued.

He pursed his lips and shook his head. He raised his hand, allowing his sleeve to slide down a bit, revealing his wrist.  
The bones stood out visibly, teal veins visible through the paper-thin, pale skin.

Mrs Crowe frowned.

“How tall are you?” she asked.

“1,67m I think,” Markus replied.

“And your weight?”

“No idea,” he shrugged, avoiding her eyes.

“Okay. Follow me please,” Mrs Crowe instructed as she rose from the armchair. She put the folder on the empty seat and walked over to the corner of the room, where there was a scale under the sink.  
She squatted down and pulled it out, placing it on the floor.

Markus rose from the armchair and did as she asked.

“Take off your jacket,” she said and held out her hand to hold it for him.

Reluctantly he took it off and handed it to the psychologist. He then stepped onto the scale and averted his eyes before the display settled on a number, showing his weight.

“39kg, and you’re still wearing clothes, so you’re something over 38kg I’d say,” Mrs Crowe announced, frowning.  
“That’s underweight, Markus,” she pointed out.

He stepped off the scale and grabbed his jacket, wrapping it around his shoulders defensively.

He didn’t say anything and sat back down in the armchair.

 

Mrs Crowe shoved the scale back underneath the sink and returned to her seat, noting Markus’ height and weight.  
With a sigh she then looked up at him.

He looked back at her with empty eyes, lips pursed while tears continuously ran down his sunken cheeks.

“You didn’t know?” Mrs Crowe asked softly.

He shook his head.  
“I… figured...” he hiccuped, “Robin said I was… whatever…” He wiped his face with his sleeve and sniffled.  
He opened his mouth like he was about to say something, but instead a sob came out and he dissolved fully.

His shoulders shook as he wept, hiding his face in his hands.

The psychologist gave him some time before speaking up softly, “What did he say?” she asked and pushed the box of tissues towards him.

He ignored it and sobbed again.

“Markus, talk to me, please” she said softly and leaned forward a bit as he pulled up his knees, wrapping his arms around them. He grips his own wrist, but lets it go and his feet slide back to the ground and he slumps forward. He crosses his arms over his knees and hides his face against them. He goes silent.

Mrs Crowe sat back and waited.  
She wanted to reach over and rub his back to comfort him at least a little, but she wasn’t allowed to. She had to maintain a distance between herself and her patient.  
That was the best way to help.  
Avoid personal attachment, personal feelings invading the appointments, even if it seemed cold hearted in the moment.

Finally he raised his head a bit and groped around the table for the box of tissues, taking one and rubbing it across his face.

He sniffled and blew his nose, threw away the used tissue and grabbed another one to dab at his eyes.

He took a deep breath and cast his eyes to the ceiling, folding his hands in his lap.

“I’m scared,” he whispered and bit his lip. “My boyfriend said it’s like half of me went missing…”

“What scares you?” Mrs Crowe asked softly.

He looked at her. “I know you can… die from anorexia,” he said and shrugged. “I mean I’m not that… like that. I don’t really care about my weight,” he stammered and shrugged again, “but I don’t want to die or like… get really fucked up by this. More than I already am…”

Mrs Crowe nodded.

“Yes. Anorexia Nervosa is extremely dangerous,” she agreed. “You don’t exactly fall into that diagnosis, but it’s a wrong assumption to say that it’s about a person’s weight or vanity,” she went on, “instead it is more about control. A person who feels like their life has changed in a way that they didn’t want to, or couldn’t control might feel better if they control their weight. And that coping mechanism may turn into an obsession, leading a person down the path to an eating disorder,” she explained.

Markus bit his lip and nodded slowly.

“You exhibit signs of an eating disorder of some kind, but I must also say that it’s not my job to give you a diagnosis, okay?” she smiled encouragingly.

“Okay,” he whispered.

“Also, I can tell you so much: Being underweight doesn’t mean your life is in imminent danger. There are plenty of people who live quite well, whose are technically underweight. That is because bodies are very different, and things like the BMI aren’t tailored to anyone specifically,” Mrs Crowe further explained.  
“Your brother seems to be on the slimmer side as well, so it seems you both tend to be naturally lithe,” she said, and Markus nodded. “I still think you should see a doctor, just to be safe,” she added and rose from her chair.

“I have to say that’s it for today.”

“Right...” he breathed and rose to his feet as well. He swayed for a moment, grabbing onto the backrest of the armchair for support before he righted himself and walked after her to her desk.

She eyed him suspiciously.  
“Do you need some time to yourself before you go to class?” she asked while she wrote the note for him to give to his teacher.  
He shook his head.  
She nodded and wrote the time and date on the paper before handing it to him. He took it and held it in his hand.

“Next week?” she asked. He shrugged.  
“I think… Tuesday?” he murmured and cursed under his breath. Because Luca had taken his bag he now couldn’t take out his time table to check what day would be best.

“Tuesday. Early or late?” Mrs Crowe asked, when he stayed silent.  
“Late,” he said, biting his lip. “I think I’ll be able to go home right afterwards in that case,” he added with a shrug.  
Mrs Crowe nodded and wrote it down for him, handing him the second piece of paper as well.

He took it and shoved it in the pocket of his jacket.

“Next Tuesday then, Markus,” the psychologist said and shook the teenager’s hand.

He nodded listlessly and turned to leave.

Before he reached the door he took a deep breath and forced his face into a neutral expression. He then opened the door and slipped out of the room.  
“Have a good day,” he said as he shut the door.

He stood in the hallway for a few moments, staring at the floor like he’s got no idea where he was or where to go.

He truly didn’t know where to go for a few seconds before he remembered. Right, today he and Luca had social studies.  
He jogged upstairs and entered the classroom.

He walked all the way to the front desk and placed the note on the table for the teacher to see. The man squinted at the note then huffed and gestured for Markus to take his seat.

Markus did so and sat next to Luca as always.  
Luca smiled at him, but the moment he saw Mari’s puffy eyes and bitten lips that smile faded. He grabbed Mari’s wrist.  
“You okay?” he breathed. Mari shook his head and crossed his arms on the table and rested his head on them.  
“Mari?” Luca whispered and moved his chair closer to Mari’s, rubbing his back, trying not to cringe as he felt his brother’s vertebrae beneath his fingers. “Mari,” he repeated and nudged him.

Mari gave no reaction aside from grabbing Luca’s hand with his own, cold fingers.

Luca laced their fingers together and raised his free hand.  
“Mr Summers?” he said, interrupting the teacher, who squinted at him over the rim of his glasses.

“What?” he asked.  
“I’m gonna take Mari outside with me. He’s not okay,” Luca explained, and without waiting for Mr Summers’ answer he stood up and tugged on Mari’s hand to get him to rise as well.

“Fine,” the teacher grunted and went back to teaching.

Luca put Mari’s arm around his shoulders and hugged him around the waist, guiding him outside. He knew Mari could walk on his own, but he wanted nothing more than to hold him close and convince himself that his beloved brother would be fine.

They sat on a bench in the hallway and Luca pulled Mari into his arms. His warm fingers pressed lightly on his nape, while his other hand rested on Mari’s hip.  
“Talk to me, Mari,” Luca whispered.

Mari shook his head, hiding his face into the crook of Luca’s neck. He held onto him with all his strength, soaking up his warmth.

Not sure what else to do Luca just held him and waited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment or kudos if you liked it, it would make me super happy!


	4. Bleeding love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time no appointment...! But still interesting, especially since we see more of Luca!

Next week, on Monday the hallway in front of the teachers’ office was filled with chaos.

Some students had gotten into a fight, resulting in multiple injuries. The teacher who had been called onto the scene interfered and tried to break up the fight.

Mari, Robin and Stephan were all over each other, Robin pushing back against Stephan who was kicking and punching Mari, who in turn was retaliating with all he had.  
Robin was the first one to see the teacher approaching, and immediately switched over to pulling Mari back, hoping to keep him from getting hurt any more and hurting Stephan.  
“Stop, Mari, stop, please!” he called out, but the teenager only fought him harder.

The teacher grabbed Stephan’s shoulder and pulled him back out of Mari’s reach, and yelled at them to stop at last.

“What the hell is going on here?!” the teacher asked and looked at Robin, who seemed to be the calmest of the three.  
“Markus and I were talking when Stephan kicked him out of nowhere,” he said. Mari had finally stopped fighting, instead leaning heavily on his boyfriend as blood continued to drip from his nose onto Robin’s arm and both their shoes.

The teacher looked at Stephan, who pulled away from her and crossed his arms.  
“It’s between Mark and me, stay out of it,” he hissed at Robin.  
The teacher spoke up before anyone could say anything to that, “Whatever it is between you two, you better get over it now,” she postulated.  
Mari shook his head.  
“Yes you will. Shake hands and apologize, both of you,” the teacher insisted again, looking at Stephan and then at Markus.

Stephan rolled his eyes and held out his hand.

Robin nudged Mari, but the brunette didn’t react.

“Markus,” the teacher called in a warning tone. “Apologize, now.”

“I refuse,” Mari deadpanned, much to Robin’s distress.  
“Mari please,” he sighed, trying to convince him after all.

Mari shot him a look, “We did nothing wrong,” he pointed out and wiped his nose with his sleeve. Robin shook his head, “That’s not the point,” he murmured and nudged Mari again.

Mari shook his head and instead of shaking Stephan’s hand he slapped it away.

The teacher huffed and grabbed Markus’ arm.  
“Fine, have it your way,” she said, “You two can go,” she said to Robin and Stephan and started to lead Markus to the stairs.  
Robin called after them, “Mari, just say it, please!” but Mari turned around and yelled “No!” So the teacher led him upstairs to the teachers’ office.

“You need to apologize!” she insisted. Mari countered immediately, yelling, “I refuse!”

“You hit him too, you were wrong too, you need to apologize,” the teacher pointed out.  
“I did nothing wrong! I refuse!” Markus repeated and threw up his hands. “I literally didn’t do a single thing!” he argued, leaning forward aggressively.

“He has a black eye because of you now!” the teacher insisted, but it did nothing to inspire rue or guilt in Markus; it actually seemed to provoke him.

“Take a fucking look at me, Mrs!” Markus yelled, pulling up his sweater, revealing his slight body as well as the scrapes and reddish welts on it. “He kicked me in the back of the fucking knee and kicked me when I fell to the ground! I am literally bleeding and you want ME to apologize for shit?”  
His voice hitches, and he stumbles back a step, back hitting the wall as he wipes his face with his sleeve.

The teacher wasn’t having it. She pointed her finger at him, “You will watch your language around me, understood? I am still your teacher and you will not speak to me like this,” 

Markus growled, trembling with barely-restrained fury.

“I don’t give a shit who you are! You are telling me to apologize to the homophobe who punched me in the face, because I didn’t lay back and take it?” he bellowed.  
Tears were running down his cheeks, his face red and distorted into a mask of pure hatred. Blood was smeared above his lip and his nose swollen.

The teacher’s patience ran out at this point. She grabbed his arm and started tugging him back in the direction of the classrooms.  
“That’s it young man,” she hissed, “you will grab your bag now and I’m sending you home. We’ll get nowhere with you like this,” she added.

The break wasn’t over yet so the hallways were mostly empty, and the few students who were in the hallways left as soon as they saw the teacher approaching.

She unlocked the classroom where Markus’ class had left their bags and ordered him to grab his bag.

He lingered for a little while, until she yelled at him to hurry up.

“I’m writing a note for my brother, wait a fucking moment!” he yelled back and placed the note in Luca’s pencil case where only he would find it.

He then picked up his bag and jacket and left the classroom.

The teacher gestured for him to go downstairs and leave the school, “Your parents will get a letter from me,” she called after him, but he gave no reaction.

He left and didn’t look back.

He didn’t even try to find Robin, running away like somebody was chasing him.

He ran past two bus stops before he finally slowed down and at the third he sat down, crying into his hands.

 

He got suspended for two days. The letter was written in record time and given to Lucas to deliver to their parents.

 

“Call Mrs Crowe and tell her I can’t come tomorrow, okay?” Mari asked after Luca had been sitting in his room for a while. Until now neither had said a thing.  
Luca looked at Mari, raising an eyebrow.  
“Pretend you’re me. I just don’t wanna talk to anyone today,” Mari said and flopped down on the mattress of his bed.

Luca sighed and nodded, “Fine,” he said and held out his hand.

Mari seemed confused by that.  
“Your phone,” Luca said.

Mari groaned into the mattress. “It’s in my jacket,” he said. Luca nodded and got up. He left Mari’s room and padded into the hallway. He reached into the pocket of Mari’s jacket and pulled out his phone, unlocking it and pulling up the contacts.

He knew Mari had the psychologist’s office number saved in his contacts. He found it and pressed call.

A few seconds passed until Mrs Crowe picked up the phone and introduced herself.  
Luca’s heart suddenly started hammering in his chest and he found himself unable to speak up.

“Hello?” Mrs Crowe called again, startling Luca.  
“H-hello...” he said, mouth dry as a desert. He swallowed and glanced at the door to Mari’s room. He felt wrong…  
“Is that you, Markus?” the psychologist asked, recognizing the voice. Luca was about to say yes, but instead, somehow, he said _no._

“I am his brother,” he added hoarsely.

“Oh, Lucas, right?” Mrs Crowe asked in a friendly voice.

“Yeah,” Luca said and sat on the floor, next to a pair of shoes. “I’m… calling because Mari- Markus got suspended,” he said, playing with some shoelaces.  
Mrs Crowe gasped.  
“I see. That means he won’t be able to come to his appointment tomorrow?”

Luca nodded, then remembered she couldn’t see him.  
“Y-yeah...” he said. He heard her inhale, and he figured she was about to say thanks and goodbye, when he finally gathered his courage and spoke up again.

“Actually...” he whispered, interrupting her as she was starting to speak, “I was wondering if I could go… in his place?”

Mrs Crowe fell silent for a few moments, then she cleared her throat and said, “You can, but I won’t be able to tell you anything about our conversations, you do realize that, right?”  
Luca shook his head again.  
“No, no no, of course not. I meant… I’m…” he stuttered, “I just… want to talk to somebody… about him… us… this, all...”  
The psychologist sighed.  
“All right,” she said, and Luca could hear some papers rustling in the background. “Lucas, then… tomorrow at 2 pm, in my office,” she confirmed and bade him a good evening. He did the same and hung up.

With that he sighed and stared at the screen of Mari’s phone for a while.

The background picture was a photo that their aunt had taken last summer, both smiling, arm in arm with flower crowns in their hair.

That was before Mari had fallen in love with Robin.

Luca sighed yet again and rose to his feet. He put Mari’s phone in his pocket and went to the kitchen.  
He needed a snack and so did Mari, he decided.

He made a light salad – one of the few things Mari still ate without feeling sick afterwards – and brought it to Mari’s bedroom.

The younger of the two had dozed off, and Luca regretfully shook him awake.

“I made us some food,” he said softly and helped Mari sit up, frowning when he heard him wince. Mari had allowed him to clean his injuries after he’d come home. The box of band-aids and disinfectant were still perched on Mari’s desk.

Mari made a face at the mere mention of food, but Luca wouldn’t let it go.  
“Come on, it’s just a salad,” he said softly and placed the bowl in Mari’s lap.

“Did you call her?” Mari asked as he picked up the fork, earning a loving smile from Luca who sat on Mari’s office-chair.  
“Yeah,” he said, and that was that.

Mari didn’t ask for his phone back, didn’t ask what he’d said. He simply ate that salad that Luca had made, and he enjoyed it.

He had hit rock-bottom today, he deserved to be fed, to be cared for and to be loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	5. Baby steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What secrets does Luca keep? We'll see...

Tuesday, Mrs Crowe’s office. She was opening the door to her first patient for the day, a thin, pale teenager with wavy brown hair.  
But it’s not the one she knew.

“Good morning,” she said warmly and held out her hand. Lucas shook it and forced a smile. “Good morning,” he replied and shrugged off his bag and jacket, placing both next to the armchair that was nearest to him.

The psychologist sat down in the other armchair, balancing a new folder in her lap and set her mug on the table. The hot water inside had barely taken on a golden tint from the teabag inside. She had only just put it in before Lucas had arrived.

He folded his hands and squeezed them between his knees, throwing an uncertain glance up at the woman.

Mrs Crowe nodded.  
“Well, here you are. What would you like to talk about?” she asked, giving him permission to start talking.

He withdrew his hands from his lap and ran them through his hair before taking a deep breath. He was nervous.  
“I need… to say first that nobody can now I came here. Mari doesn’t know I’m here,” he explained.

The psychologist had heard this kind of statement often enough, she smiled mildly and nodded.  
“Of course. I am forbidden from sharing anything that happens in here with anyone except for the patient it relates to, not even their family or teachers have the right to ask for details that the patient didn’t explicitly permit me to share,” she assured.

Lucas nodded slowly and seemed to mull over his words now.

Mrs Crowe used the moment of silence to note Lucas’ nickname for his brother – Mari.

“So… I probably only have today to talk about anything… so…” Lucas started and looked at the box of tissues on the table.  
“I am worried about my brother – obviously – and I just… I need to know if there’s anything I can do to help. I know you can’t tell me anything that he told you, but just… tell me something. Anything…” he rambled on, words flowing out without being filtered.

“Of course,” Mrs Crowe said softly, “your worry for him is not surprising at all. I would be stranger if you didn’t worry at all,” she explained.  
Luca averted his eyes again.

He doesn’t like keeping eye-contact, something he has in common with his twin.

“I can’t really tell you… anything useful. I could tell you the generally accepted approach to Anorexia Nervosa, but that wouldn’t help you or your brother, because the general approach obviously doesn’t take into account any individual’s personal needs,” Mrs Crowe pointed out, “And if I told you anything more in-depth, I’d reveal too much about his problems, and as I told you, I can’t do that.”

Lucas pulled a face and covered his mouth with one hand, closing his eyed for a moment before looking at her.  
“I… I figured…” he sighed at last and dropped his hand again. “I’m just desperate, you see?” he admitted, holding out his hands as if he could show the size of his despair.

The psychologist nodded, indicating for him to continue.

“Like… I try my hardest. I learned to cook stuff he likes… I get him to help out in the kitchen, so he knows he’s not alone, he has me… and… and like… that he can always ask me for help too… but so often he just… doesn’t.”  
Lucas slumps in his seat, his expression tired and regretful.

“Doesn’t do what?” Mrs Crowe inquires.

“Doesn’t… eat, ask for help, talk… anything,” Lucas replies listlessly, “live,” he adds under his breath.

“It was so different before… he fell in love with Ro… uh… his…” Lucas threw a glance up at Mrs Crowe, “his boyfriend. I… assume you know about that…” he muttered.  
Mrs Crowe nodded once.

“Do you resent him?” she asked, her wording deliberately ambiguous.

“No,” Lucas said immediately, only realizing what he’d said after the fact. “Eh… Neither one of them. I’m happy for them if anything. Hell you should have seen Mari in the first weeks after they became a thing...” he clarified.

Mrs Crowe smiled, “What was that like?” she wondered.

“Uhm… like, he has a bit of a bad temper…” Lucas murmured sheepishly, “That’s why he got suspended, by the way. Got into a fight – Anyways, in those first weeks he was so soft and gentle!” Lucas laughed softly.

“He was affectionate. Not just with _him_ but with everyone. Okay, not like _everyone_ but you get what I mean,” he continued and looked at the psychologist. “He’s always been like that with me, but not others. And it was so different to see him like that… when it wasn’t with me.”

Mrs Crowe raised an eyebrow at that.  
“Affectionate?” she echoed.

Lucas made a vague gesture.  
“You know, hugging, touching, kissing… that thing,” he said, “kissing like… on the cheek or whatever. Not like… the other kind,” he then added quickly, before the woman could get the wrong idea.

“How do you feel about that?” she asked, leaning back in her seat.

Lucas opened his mouth to reply, but didn’t say anything, closing his mouth again and slumping back in his seat.  
“I was gonna say I’m fine with it… but like… I’m kinda not?” he murmured after a while, not sounding overly convinced by his own words.  
“It’s strange, I guess?” he tries again, looking at Mrs Crowe as though she could tell him if he was right or not.  
“I can imagine that,” she said, nodding slowly. “I noticed you don’t call him by his name,” she pointed out then.

Lucas tilted his head a bit, raising one eyebrow.

“You called him Mari,” she clarified.

Lucas covered his mouth with one hand then, realizing that he’d slipped up. It was too deeply ingrained in his head to ever get it out. He would probably be calling Markus _Mari_ even when he was old and had a wife of his own.

“Yeah...” he admitted, and the psychologist nodded. “He calls you Luca,” she revealed.

“He does,” Lucas said with a smile. “Actually, everyone does,” he added, “Nobody calls us by our full names. Sounds so serious and stuffy.”

Mrs Crowe nodded.  
She hadn’t been sure if the nicknames were just a thing between the two of them, but apparently they weren’t.  
Though both twins seemed most comfortable when referring to each other by their respective nicknames.

“How did those names come to be?” she asked.

“Childhood,” Lucas replied easily. “Our parents have like, prehistoric videotapes from when we were babies. That’s how those names happened… and our aunt thought it was cute, so the names stuck around,” he explained.

The psychologist chuckled at that, easily imagining the two children.

“So when _your_ twin started to be… not only yours, how did you feel about that?” she asked, bringing them back to their original topic.

Lucas’ expression fell.

“Strange. As I said,” he said limply.

“Just strange? Even though your brother – your other half, if you will – has changed so much?” Mrs Crowe inquired further.

“Well...” Lucas started, then faltered. “I feel wrong acting like _he_ is the bad guy, who messed up my _perfect brother_ , you know?” he tried again, “I know the guy. He’s like, _super_ kind!”

Mrs Crowe studied his expression for a moment.

He wasn’t lying, not covering up his feelings like his brother did. He appeared to have a better grasp on his own emotions, keeping them at bay, but not trying to pretend like they weren’t there at all.

In a way he was both easier and harder to read than his twin. Something the psychologist hadn’t thought about before. Granted, these were the first twins she’d had as patients so far, so she wasn’t surprised to learn about these little things.

“Well, but somebody, or something _did_ ‘mess up’ your ‘perfect brother’,” she pointed out, drawing air-quotes with her pen and free hand.

“Yeah,” Lucas sighed.

“How have things been between you two?” Mrs Crowe wondered. Markus had told her that everything was well between them, that Lucas was _wonderful_ – as he’d put it – but she knew better than to trust the emotional twin’s assessment. She knew he wasn’t lying, but she had a hunch that his perception of the world around him was a bit off.

“Uh… good?” Lucas said uncertainly. “Like, there’s obviously some tension because of… you know. His problems, but the stuff between us is good,” he elaborated, when the psychologist raised her eyebrows.

“You said he doesn’t eat or talk; doesn’t that put a dent in your relationship?” she implored.

“Of course it does. But I still love him,” Lucas clarified, “and I know he loves me too.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do,” Lucas claimed.

“How?”

“I… he…” the older twin stammered, “I see it when he looks at me. I feel it when he touches me…” he insisted. “I sometimes stay up late in his room, and we fall asleep together. He never tells me to go, and he sleeps next to me.”

Mrs Crowe narrowed her eyes a little.

She had known that both are very attached to each other, but sleeping together seems a bit much at that age.

“Do you often seek his company?” she asked.

“I do,” Lucas confirmed hesitantly.

“Does he often seek your company?”

“I guess… not as much as I do…” the teenager seemed reluctant to admit this.  
Mrs Crowe nodded.

“Should I not… anymore?” Lucas asked, sounding almost heartbroken now.

“I didn’t say that. He may not feel the need to initiate contact, because he relies on you to do so, or it may be that he doesn’t, because his need for company is sated when he spends time with his boyfriend,” Mrs Crowe clarified, “I would just advise you to keep an eye on his reactions. Does he reciprocate when you interact with him, or does he seem to withdraw?”

Lucas gave no answer to that, simply staring at his hands.

Mrs Crowe waited another moment, then sighed. “I’m afraid that’s it for today.”

Lucas nodded once, still not raising his head.

The psychologist rose from her armchair and walked over to her desk.  
“You said you won’t come again; do you still feel like that?” she asked, watching the teenager slowly rise from his seat and walk over.

“Yeah. Mari will be around by Thursday, so could he get a new appointment on Thursday or Friday?” he asked.

Mrs Crowe was about to sigh and tell him no when he pulled out his phone.  
“Wait,” he said and turned the screen to her, showing a message from his twin, asking him to set up a new appointment for him.

She gave a huff and nodded.  
“Let me see,” she said and flipped through her appointment-book.

“Friday, 5th period?” she offered.

Lucas flipped through his phone, then nodded. “Yeah, that works,” he said and typed out the time and date for his twin.

“I need the note for the teacher,” he said once he pocketed his phone again.

Mrs Crowe nodded and filled in the note.

“Actually… could you add ten minutes?” Lucas asked as she was about to add the current time. She looked at him.  
He looked fine. His brother had refused extra-time when he was in a much worse condition, but she knew people expressed themselves very differently.

It just struck her again, how different the two truly are.

“Okay,” she said and added ten minutes, as Lucas had requested.

“Good luck, and keep your head up,” she said and held out her hand after giving him the note. He took the note and shook her hand, nodding once.

“Thank you,” he muttered and turned to leave. He picked up his jacket and bag and left the office.

 

He went to the bathroom and entered a stall. He sat on the closed lid and hid his face in his hands.

What wouldn’t he give to have Mari here right now. To have his cold hands on his cheeks, his chapped lips kissing his forehead, his quiet voice assuring him…  
None of this was okay.

He longed to feel that old warmth again; to laugh with Mari, to be able to smack him without worrying to hurt him, to run around and wrestle… to cuddle and hug… 

A lone tear ran down his cheek, when his phone vibrated.

It was a text from Mari.

“Thank you <3  
Shouldn’t you be in class now though? Anyways, love you!

PS: Could you tell Robin I’m not angry at him, please?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed reading more about Luca!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
